I have been seeking God. I have been asking him questions. Why is the world so? The sorrow, the pain, the loneliness, the suffering that people endure. What's going on with the people who will never hear His Word? Why is there so much pain and poverty that I see around me?
I have so many doubts. Yet these doubts are good. They will lead me to the truth. And I doubt by asking God for revelation of these things. But in the midst of my doubting tonight, I feel God's love so palpably. I was thinking about how crazy God is. I read things like Naruto (yes, the manga) and I see two parents filling their child with love, and ultimately dying for their child, enduring pain and suffering. And I viscerally feel this is so tragic and beautiful. It is an ultimate expression of love. Naruto's parents place their hope, their dreams, their future in his hands and die for him. And I was praying when this story of Naruto popped in my head. I was asking God about the world's circumstances. And when this story came up, I had an even harder time understanding God. I cannot grasp God's love for us. If it is beautiful to see two parents sacrifice for lives their own child, how much more indescribably beautiful is it to understand a God who loves us humans, who have no reason to be loved by a God so majestic, so much that He sacrificed his own son for us. It's just crazy. Crazzyy. Undeniably so.
I have so many questions. And I seek God, ask Him these questions, and wrestle with Him. But all throughout this process, there is one thing that keeps me from turning away from God. It is the love I feel from God. It is the love that God has filled me with. It is the love I feel knowing that God knows the number of hair strands on my head, the pains deep in my heart, the loneliness I suffer sometimes. And He cares about these things. He invests his all into me. How beautiful is this?! How crazy?
It's such a beautiful collision, the beautiful mess, that exists between God and us.